Fear

I live with fear almost every day.  It races through me like an illness.  Every sound makes my heart skip a beat.  Checking the windows and doors.  Knowing that if they want to get in they will.  They’ll kick the door in and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.  I haven’t slept.  I check on Squidge often.  I sit here half watching television and half listening for noises outside the house.  I see my reflection on the kitchen window and I’m paralyzed.  Then relax as I realize it’s me I see.

I’m exhausted.  I’m tense.  I’m scared.

Wal is away again.  He was in South Africa last week and left for Spain yesterday.  He was only home for a couple of days.  Not enough time for me to decompress.  He will be away for over 2 weeks at the end of this month.  I’m already worried.  I don’t have family I can visit while he is away.  I don’t have any place I can go to feel safe.

The sane part of my brain knows that I’m probably safe.  PROBABLY.  I mean they already tried once why would they come back.  We don’t own an expensive car.  What we do own is a fast zippy car.  You know the type bandits like for get aways.  I’m probably alright.  Students are back.  They’ll be too busy stealing their laptops and iPods.  I’m probably alright.  I should go to bed.  I’ll be OK, probably.

15 Comments

  1. Wendy
    October 7, 2008 /

    Well, I don’t know how you can stand being alone aftet everything that’s happened. I get a bit paranoid when I’m by myself and we haven’t even been broken into. Really though, have you thought about getting a good guard dog? There are various breeds that are very alert and child friendly. Maybe having a dog around would make you feel more at ease and maybe even scare away any potential burglars.

  2. October 7, 2008 /

    I know how you feel. Nick has been traveling a lot in the last year. Last week he was in Calgary all week. 2 weeks before that he was in Istanbul. He had stopped for a couple months when Ana was born… but now he’s back at it. I remind myself that the traveling means business is good (and the frequent flyer miles are racking up so I can visit my parents). It doesn’t help though when you’re all alone with the kids wondering if you remembered to lock the door.

  3. October 7, 2008 /

    Mike’s leaving on Saturday and will be gone for the whole week, I won’t sleep while he’s gone… maybe a nap here or there while K is at school but not much more… I feel you.

    (on an unrelated note…. the clean look is great but I miss the darling headers)

  4. October 7, 2008 /

    Oh, I know exactly how you feel. They broke into our flat many years ago. The front door of our house is fitted with three locks. And as for no family: no in-laws to rely on, so it does make it a bit lonely.

    My SO was away all weekend and leaves again today for Budapest until Saturday.

    Sleep: what’s that? I lie in bed with my phone next to me and a baseball bat in the hallway.

  5. Suburban Mum
    October 7, 2008 /

    OMG I never realised that happened!

    I’ve never been broken into but I’m still jittery as anything when SH goes away. Hugs.

  6. Suburban Mum
    October 7, 2008 /

    I’ve been spammified again 🙁

  7. bubblewench
    October 7, 2008 /

    I read this before I went to bed last night then couldn’t sleep cause I was totally worried about you.

    I think Lula has the right idea, sleep with a baseball bat…

  8. maria
    October 7, 2008 /

    I only experienced a while of that staying home alone fear as a newlywed when James went into lOndon to work on the underground..I never slept while he was gone and slept in the day when he was home.. Not likely when you are Mum and in charge!! HUgs!! was wondering if you have checked out meetup.com and seen if there are any mums in your area..or even like minded people with same interests.. It sucks not having friends and faMILY AROUND.. PlUS WHEN The WEATHER IS DRAB.. WELL.. YOU .KNOW…

    (I appreciate your honesty in the 100 things list.. you are very interesting.. ;-D )

  9. Joanne
    October 7, 2008 /

    Yep I so hear you. My dh worked nights and I swear I got zero sleep for 2yrs, it was awful. He worked for a high end car dealership and as a perk got a fancy new car to drive. When he didn’t take the car to work, I’d make him take it down the street and park it. I was terrified having it in my driveway all night, not a good way to live. My mothers house has been broke into twice and my grandmothers twice also, what gives?

  10. October 7, 2008 /

    Oh no!!! Not good that you are so scared! Have you tried lots of alcohol?? That would be my solution…. Have you got a burglar alarm? We have one you can set for downstairs when you go to bed….

  11. October 7, 2008 /

    I am a long time reader, finally de-lurking because I so identified with this post! I feel this way every time my husband is not here in the evenings and we have never had anything vaguely like what you experienced happen. We have an alarm and live in the suburbs of the suburbs! But I still lie there wondering what could happen. Nice to know I am not ‘alone’ in that. I’ll be thinking happy thoughts that the time will fly!

    Amanda

    PS I originally was drawn to your blog because my husband is a Brit, we met while he was still there, but in the end he moved to the US. Initially I was going to move there – so I am so interested in your perspective – as I could always end up on the other side!

  12. Jo Beaufoix
    October 7, 2008 /

    Have you got a burglar alarm? We had one fitted last year and we have the downstairs alarmed at night. I feel a lot safer. I also felt safe when we had a dog as our old hound barked like mad if she saw anything.
    Hope you get some sleep sweetie. When Mr B has a gig I struggle to sleep even though he generally gets back in the early hours. Hugs.

  13. SCM
    October 7, 2008 /

    Bloody hell! Must be awful for you.
    I’d seriously consider the alarm and dog if you haven’t already. Staffies are great with kids but look the business.
    I’ve never had your experience and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
    Big hugs to you

  14. mariel
    October 8, 2008 /

    im not gonna lie…when i was there the night you went out and the boys went out as well…i was scared! so i sympathize….and will be sending positive *you are fine now go to sleep* thoughts. get squidge a “buddy”!!

  15. habitual
    October 9, 2008 /

    Eeesh – that is nerve wracking! I am the same when MP leaves for 4 days each month….. I’m thankful that Lottie would lose her mind if a stranger came in here. Eight pound guard dog! 🙂