I live with fear almost every day. It races through me like an illness. Every sound makes my heart skip a beat. Checking the windows and doors. Knowing that if they want to get in they will. They’ll kick the door in and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. I haven’t slept. I check on Squidge often. I sit here half watching television and half listening for noises outside the house. I see my reflection on the kitchen window and I’m paralyzed. Then relax as I realize it’s me I see.
I’m exhausted. I’m tense. I’m scared.
Wal is away again. He was in South Africa last week and left for Spain yesterday. He was only home for a couple of days. Not enough time for me to decompress. He will be away for over 2 weeks at the end of this month. I’m already worried. I don’t have family I can visit while he is away. I don’t have any place I can go to feel safe.
The sane part of my brain knows that I’m probably safe. PROBABLY. I mean they already tried once why would they come back. We don’t own an expensive car. What we do own is a fast zippy car. You know the type bandits like for get aways. I’m probably alright. Students are back. They’ll be too busy stealing their laptops and iPods. I’m probably alright. I should go to bed. I’ll be OK, probably.