Losing a friend

A couple of weeks ago I had someone I considered a good friend “un-friend” me on Facebook.  I only noticed  because I wanted to send her a message.  I sent her an email asking me if she’d done it as I thought maybe it was a weird FB thing.  I could not have been more shocked when she came back and said that yes she did and she didn’t want to be friends with me any more.  Now I am writing this not to bash her but because I need to get these feeling out.  I need to process the thoughts and feelings I am having because I need to stop feeling like crap over it.

I was told that she was tired of me bad mouthing her and criticizing her when she voiced an opinion.  I was shocked. I didn’t think I did that but for a friend to feel so strongly about it to cut off all ties was something I needed to take stock of.  I looked back on my twitter feed and other than not wanting to listen to my old neighborhood association go on about something I didn’t agree with  I couldn’t find anything I said that was negative.  So I keep going back to why a friend would think that I was attacking her.  I don’t have a lot of friends, I never have. It’s a choice I make because I want those that I do call friends to be just that a friend. If you’re a friend I should be able to disagree with you without it being personal.  All of the people I call friends know that I speak my mind. I may say something stupid but it is never my intention to be hurtful. I am still reeling from this and am now second guessing all of my friendships.  I value all of them and don’t want them to be sitting at home harboring resentment and festering with anger while I blithely go on as I always have.  I emailed my friend and told her that I had not been critical of her. That any posts were about things that were happening in my life and not directed towards her.  I told her I was sorry she felt this way. That her un-friending me and cutting off ties was for the best if she’d been feeling this way for a while.  Still, it hurts.  I am sad beyond words over the demise of this friendship.  I met her when Squidge was 3 weeks old.  I had just gone through a pregnancy in a new country.  My partners family wanted nothing to do with me.  I didn’t know what the hell I was doing raising this baby. I met her and she was awesome.  A straight talking, down to earth mom just like me.  Squidge mentioned my ex-friends two oldest the other day and how she was looking forward to seeing them again.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she won’t be seeing them.  I’m hoping that over time she will forget about them.

I’m trying really hard to not take it personally.  I’m trying to tell myself that she just didn’t think we suited as friends and had every right to stop being my friend.  Still I can’t help thinking I have failed.

I am going to moderate comments on this post. I don’t expect a lot of comments because I don’t generally get a lot of them but I don’t want any negativity and if I see it I’ll delete it.

Brittany-2
We went to Brittany the last week of half term and I still need to blog about it. The photo above is a picture Squidge specifically asked me to take. It’s of her and Boo Bunny (the bunny in the bag) in front of a shop w/ a GIANT Boo Bunny. Squidge lost her ever lovin’ mind when she saw it. Boo Bunny is her favorite toy. She sleeps w/ it and takes it on trips with her.

18 Comments

  1. Mancais
    April 30, 2011 /

    I had a friend who decided she didn’t want to be friends any more because I tried to look for the good in someone else (who she didn’t know) who had committed a crime and ended up going to prison. It was hard at the time as I had trusted her with my thoughts about the other person as I didn’t have a lot of people I could tell about it at the time. I tried phoning, texting and emailing to ask why she had acted this way but never got any response. With brilliant support from TLP, my friend K and a couple of others I realised she wasn’t worth wasting any more energy on.
    No easy answers. Just keep the friends who are worth keeping.

    • Lindy
      April 30, 2011 /

      it is hard and TLP and Kate were right- you can’t chase after a friend if they don’t want to know you any more.

  2. April 30, 2011 /

    Sorry this happened to you. 🙁 It’s a shame she couldn’t talk to you about things before it got this bad. You were friends for a long time, so I think it’s a bit unfair that she didn’t even give you the chance to even know she was feeling this way before deciding to cut ties.

    • Lindy
      April 30, 2011 /

      She did what she felt she needed to do. It makes me sad and I wish she had spoken to me. In my most zen moments I think it’s for the best.

  3. Wendy
    April 30, 2011 /

    Lindy, we have been friends for a very very long time. I love everything about you – your honesty, your obnoxious humor and your heart. Don’t EVER change for anybody! You are perfect just the way you are!!!!!!!! Miss you and love you even more girlie 🙂

    • Lindy
      April 30, 2011 /

      I love you Wendy! I think I’m too old to change and I’m just like my mother!

  4. Loni
    April 30, 2011 /

    I’m sorry, but that’s a little messed up. It makes me wonder if there was something else going on that she wasn’t telling you about. Or maybe she just took what you said the wrong way, or you struck a nerve without knowing it. It is always very sad to lose a friend. I’m sorry. But I have to say, the way she handled the situation underscores many more area’s in which she herself was lacking as a friend.

    • Lindy
      April 30, 2011 /

      I think there must have been a lot of miscommunication. I don’t want to be negative I just wanted to get it out of my system and maybe I can stop beating myself up over it.

  5. Julia
    April 30, 2011 /

    Lindy, I feel so bad for you. I had a friend ditch me a few years ago, it hurt, our paths have continued to cross and we ‘seem’ to be friends again. It’ll never be the same and I didn’t confront it….but there’s some healing there.

    I’m not sure why you’d be ditched. I have never found you to be negative – even where there’s cause.

    Brush yourself off, and move on and only hang around with the friends you’ve chosen – you choose well (me!) xoxo

    • Lindy
      April 30, 2011 /

      Thanks, I’m trying to brush myself off and forget about it. I’m very glad I have you for a friend- we both chose well!!

  6. April 30, 2011 /

    It’s unfortunate she didn’t feel like she could or should talk to you and voice her upset rather than just silently unfriending you. I would hope that if someone I was friends with was hurt by something I had done that they would let me know… especially if it was something I didn’t even realize I was doing.

    I’m like you… I have just a few friends. I’ve always just kept a rather small circle. Because of that it is always so hard when you lose one.

  7. Sherry
    May 1, 2011 /

    Hey Linda, it’s easy to be critical of yourself when this happens. On a positive note, at least you got a reply back. I don’t really have any friends so I can’t give you any advice except to cherish the friends you DO have. The ones that care for you despite your faults….we all have one or two faults…. 😉

    • Lindy
      May 1, 2011 /

      You do have friends! The best kind of of- family! Me, Maryann, Monica, Mariel! I always say that growing up I had tons of friends but they were also family.

  8. May 1, 2011 /

    I have never ever found you to be negative, you are a positive person. It is the opther persons loss, not yours. I am lucky to be able to count you as a friend

    • Lindy
      May 1, 2011 /

      Aaw thanks Jen! I feel blessed to have so many good friends in my life. Let’s not get all crazy! : ) I can be negative, petty and catty as much as the next person. I just always thought it was OK to be like that sometimes when amongst friends. Will be more careful next time!

  9. Becky
    May 8, 2011 /

    She should have blooming told you you had upset her and given you a chance to explain and talk about it. Thats what lovingfreinds do. Big hug lovely Lindy theres nowt as queer as folk xxx

    • Lindy
      May 8, 2011 /

      I wish she had, maybe she tried and I just didn’t see the signs? I keep second guessing myself *sigh*

  10. Alice
    May 22, 2011 /

    Thats really sad about your friend. If she doesn’t want to listen to what you have to say, she’s not worth having and worrying over. But if she replies and explains, keep talking to her. Another suggestion is to use gmail or email as there are no ‘friends’on it to lose or have. Hope you become friends again. And is Squidge the name of your daughter?