Admitting I am FAT!

diet starts today crop


I’ve continued to keep my head firmly stuck in the sand.  I can stand in front of the mirror and stand a particular way that I don’t see my big fat arms and my big belly.  I can hide and pretend and say to myself that it’s not as bad as it is.  I can do all this until someone posts a picture of me on social media. A picture I didn’t know was being taken so I’m not holding my face just so and standing so that I can’t see my tummy and my arms and oh so many things that make my stomach sink to my toes and make me hate myself for allowing myself to slide back to a place I never wanted to be.  I can feel those old ailments and twinges coming back.  My heels are beginning to hurt- carrying too much weight.  I’m out of breath and I’m just miserable.  I tried on my summer clothes and nothing fits- I can’t get anything past my chest. All I can say is thank god I didn’t get rid of everything.  Thank god thankgodthankgodthankgod and yet ohgodohgodohgod.

I’m struggling w/ self loathing and fear.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop this slide I’m in.  I’m afraid I’m destined to always hate the way I look. I’m hate myself for letting myself get back to this place- a place I swore I’d never go back to.

So I’m again saying it stops and it stops here.  No more mindless snacking and pretending I’m not over eating.  Back to weighing my food until I get my portion sizes back to a more reasonable place.

Wish me luck! I’m going to need it if I’m going to from from this…

Screen Shot 2015-07-07 at 11.01.00


Back to this

skinny me


I can do it…

1 Comment

  1. July 7, 2015 /

    I wish you wouldn’t give yourself such a hard time about this. You’ve gained 20lb or so. You can lose it. But in the meantime, it’s JUST weight. You have to stop spiralling into self-loathing and upset on the basis of a terrible photo (and it was a terrible photo, I saw it and hardly recognised you, and let’s not even get started on the idiocy of a PR taking photos of women without their knowledge and posting/tagging them on social media)

    I think when it becomes SO important and so tied up with self-esteem, losing weight becomes way harder and more emotive. For me, I found it a lot easier to just think, okay, I’m going to eat more fruit and veg, I’m going to be more active, I’m going to do it in a way I enjoy, and if I pull a muscle in my chest and I can’t swim, well, I can’t keep losing weight at the rate I did six months ago, but that’s no reason to hate myself or think I’m any less interesting or useful as a person because I’m still wearing size 16 jeans. And anybody who thinks I am is a knob, frankly.

    Chill out. Find some sport you love. Make some time to feel better about yourself, and the rest will come, I reckon.
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